How to Ask for What you Want
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“Women in the Workplace Wednesday” has taken a little bit of a backseat this month. I haven’t shared one all June! While it is technically back today talking about “how to ask for what you want”, I wanted to mention that this topic can be taken out of the office and applied at home too! While this was actually a reader request from last winter, I was inspired to write about it because of conversations that took place at home. More and more I have realized that good communication is very hard to come by. Additionally, people often act like it is their right for you to be able to read their mind. Newsflash: it’s not! There is an art of asking for what you want and today we are going to chat about it.
Madewell Top (old, but these are the same cut: white/blue top, red top, cream top) | J. Crew White Jeans | Rockstud Sandals | Aerie Sunglasses | Senreve Coda Belt Bag with Chain (cheaper chain here, use code ELLEMULENOS for $50 off your Senreve purchase of $300 or more.)
Asking for what you want sounds simple, right? I know it did to me. I order a meal from a waiter. I send email requests all day long. Why is so hard to actually say what I want sometimes? The first time I was introduced to this thinking was during marriage counseling. Nick and I participated in pre-marital counseling before getting hitched and I 100% recommend it. I wrote about our experience here. One of the biggest takeaways we had from the course was related to communication. We learned of 4 negative communication styles and that a lot of fights revolve around unmet expectations that were never voiced. It makes sense. I mean sure, I think there is a time where you might get tired repeating yourself, but put that thought to the side. If you never say it, how is the other person supposed to know? We may passively hint at things, but that can be confusing and definitely doesn’t get the point across. I can’t tell you how many passive side remarks and even TWEETS I’ve seen exhibiting this behavior. If it actually worked, I think a lot more people would be doing it. Hah!
Let’s look at the word passive… Dictionary.com defines it as “accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance.” I think when we consider the word passive, we always pair it with aggressive. The thing is that if it is passive, it isn’t always aggressive. Here’s an example of me being passive:
When Nick and I get invited somewhere, it gives me instant anxiety. He is super fun and likes to have fun all the time. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy having fun… it’s that I have a “do your homework before you play” type of mindset. Let’s say we get invited to go to the beach, but we had apartment-improvement plans. It would be best if I just said “we committed to clean out the guest room today, let’s do that.” The problem? I don’t like to voice that. It makes me feel like a fun-sucker and I don’t want to let him down. I have a habit of conforming to what I think he wants me to say and then I get frustrated about it later. If I would just say “no, I would prefer we finish what we committed and go to the beach another time.” that would have helped! Instead I say “sure the beach sounds fun”, because guess what? IT DOES SOUND FUN. Ultimately, I was passive with what I actually preferred and it came back to bite me later, causing a fight.
To bring this back to the workplace, if you never stand up for yourself, ask for that raise, etc, who will?! You are your best advocate. I know so many people who get frustrated with that what they do or don’t have at work, but never speak up. That’s like the people who don’t like what is going on in the world, but don’t vote or try to make a difference otherwise. They just like to post angry remarks on their Facebook page. Hah!
Okay so why don’t we speak up when there is something we want, whether it is at work or at home? Being open and honest makes us vulnerable. It can be scary! It’s so much easier to text that friend “hey, want to hang out?” “hey want to grab coffee”? “hey want to grab dinner”? 3 weeks in a row than say “hey, I miss you a lot and hope we can reconnect.” Why? Because it opens us up and we may not like the result. An example at the office would be regarding a pay raise. Telling your work wife you want more money, angrily filling out work surveys, and just expecting your review to result in more money is not being active… it is being passive. Asking your boss for more money is scary for a lot of reasons. I say that because it has been scary for me to do it - if it doesn’t scare you, great! It was scary for me because most compensation requests were met with “no”, I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want to put my boss in a stressful position, etc. Those are not good reasons and I still did it, but it wasn’t fun for me. I like to be perceived as respectful and giving (see a pattern here? lol) and doing those things (even though I thought I deserved it) was hard! Recently we were talking to a friend who told us about a conversation with their life coach. They booked a short session and then the coach mentioned if our friend had more time, he would have gone into more detail. They said “oh I do have time, I just booked a shorter session to be courteous.” Their coach responded along the lines of “well I do have more time - why didn’t you book a longer slot? How many opportunities have you missed out on because you were trying to be respectful?” WOW. By no means were they saying to be disrespectful. They were just saying ask for what you want and you just might get what you want. At the very least you know you tried!!
Okay so you’re pumped and ready to ask for what you want. Now what?
REGARDING YOUR WANT
Identify it. Chances are you already know your want. Make sure there isn’t an underlying want that you are overlooking. If it is just surface level that is one thing, but if there are layers to it, you want to make sure to attack it all, not just the bare minimum.
Find the “why”. Whether it is you deserve to be compensated fairly for your work or you just need help around the house. Knowing the why behind your want identifies the root need and will often motivate you to get your want.
Create the request. You know what you want, so how are you going to get it? Discover your actual request. You need help around the house? Your request might be that you and your roommate(s) spend 15 minutes each night tidying up before bed. You also might present an option for a cleaning service to come once a month. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it isn’t always!! You don’t want to present a problem without determining the proper request.
Discover benefits. This is especially helpful if you are talking to an employer. Obviously, how does it benefit you, but how does it benefit others / THEM? For example, are you asking to be able to work from home once a week? This would make you less stressed and cause less burnout, in turn producing better work for them. This will help you ask for something reasonable. Asking for something like doubling your salary and only referencing why you need it without ways that you’ve earned it likely will not go over well. When you hash this section out, hopefully you’ll get rid of reasons that don’t help your case. For example if it is money you are after, saying that you need more money or can’t afford your rent, that isn’t going to get you what you want. Sure you may need more money to pay your rent, but unless you are underpaid or have done work warranting a raise, you probably aren’t going to get that. Your “why” can be that you need money to pay your rent, but that shouldn’t be communicated as a determining factor to your employer. Be sure to show off what you have done and how you have helped benefit the company and therefore deserve a compensation adjustment!
Talk it out. I’m very pro “talking to yourself”. Let’s call it “talking out-loud” ;) This helps you work your phrases and get comfortable asking for things! Chances are you might get nervous, but if you practice what you are going to say it will likely be easier.
WHEN ASKING
Be direct. Again, this doesn’t mean to be mean or pointed with your words. It simply means don’t be passive. State your exact request and get what you want!!
Kill them with kindness. I wanted to reiterate this. Be nice!
Give supporting and relevant details. I briefly mentioned this in the “discover the benefits” section above, but make sure you come prepared with facts to back up your want! FOR SURE if you are asking for a raise, but you can also do this in the household. Nick has been hinting at a wanting a new computer and I straight up told him - okay, put a presentation together for me with all the details, supporting facts, pros, and cons and let’s talk about it! When you present all the details, you are more likely to get what you are asking for, or at least come to an understanding.
Get to it friend! You are worth asking for whatever it is you need! Plus what is the worst someone can say? No? You never know what can happen and just might be surprised!! Gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Now go get what you want!
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